Jewel Thief Movie Review — Sucharita Tyagi
Jaideep Ahlwat ki naachet huye 15 second ki clip ne pichle hafton mein kayi logon ki dilo ko heal kiya hai.
Kya unki nayi film kuch aur zakhm bhar paayegi?
I know, so cheesy and *bleargh, but fresh thoughts nikal nahi rahe yeh film dekh kar.
Yeh Netflix release is not a remake or “spiritual sequel” of the 1967 Dev Anand Jewel Thief, toh koi comparison nahi. Not that this one comes even CLOSE to Vijay Anand’s classic, where sang of secrets in Hothon mein aise baat main dabaa ke chali aayi, as Vaijayanthi Mala danced for 100s.
Nah, here, its 3 men chasing after each other, after a diamond, the sole woman in the story is meant to look pretty, be kissed, and fallen in love with.
But, im getting ahead of myself.
The film opens at a high-profile art auction, centrepiece hai Gustav Klimt ki painting Medicine, which we are told has been missing for centuries, but Rajan Aulakh, played by Jaideep Ahlawat, is a rich collector, who has now re-discoeverd said painting. Side note, no big deal, Klimt’s Medicine was destroyed by the Nazis in 1945, Germany.
Jewel Thief is more in conversation with the Abbas Mustan Race movies, than its 1967 namesake that it aspires to page homage to. Wahaan toh Shroud Of Turin churaane ke plans they, ek painting cheez hi kya hai. that was destroyed by the Nazis in 1945.
So we know, something is off with Aulakh. But because he wears velvet robes with dragons on the lapels, we also know this man means business.
Soon, we cut to Budapest — because is it even a slick Bollywood crime thriller anymore without a vague European skyline?
Saif Ali Khan is Rehan Roy, the titular Jewel Thief, on the run from the police. He steals expensive necklaces, makes international headlines, and uses his loot to get the ladies. So, Rehan is a hardened criminal, with no time for breeziness. Bas shayad bechaare ko kabhi pyaar nahi mila.
Aulakh and Rehan’s path cross when they plan to steal the Red Sun, a 318-carat African beauty worth ₹500 crore. This diamond is in a museum, protected by laser beams, and have a 6-minute window where they can hack the mainframe, to commit the crime. All this while, incompetent cops, lead by Rehan’s archnemesis, the sharply dressed handsome Vikram, inch closer. Kunal Kapoor is nice to look at.
If this sounds like a movie you’ve seen before, its because you have.
As the plot unfolds, and by “unfolds” I mean sort of clumsily totters ahead, we also meet Aulakh’s wife, Farah, played by Nikita Dutta. JUST the kind of broken but beautiful woman Rehan needs to complete HIS life. Ooh look, a love triangle is brewing.
Except Farah has been written bearing the personality of a garden turnip. Nothing happens, because nothing has been designed to happen.
This film has 2 directors, and in between them exist largely forgettable titles such as The Big Bull, Dhokha Round D Corner, Romeo Akbar Walter. Interestingly, the film doesn’t seem to carry a writer credit, atleast there is none to be found on the official trailer end slate. Sumit Arora is credited for dialogue, and if im getting this write, British writer David Logan is credited with screenplay. Much like the resuscitation of the Klimt’s Medicine, whos is responsible for this film’s story, is shrouded in mystery.
So, I don’t know WHO to blame for the harebrained heist plan that makes Home Alone seem Hitchcockian. So worried this film is about not leaving anyone behind, by becoming too complicated for our mushy brains, each scene is fed to us pre-chewed.
Saif walks into the museum, sees CCTV cameras. We cut to Jaideep asking “Aur un cameras ka kya?” and I’m like bhai, tum log ka kya? A woman says “charger” out loud while looking for a charger, confuse nahi hona chahiye.
And obviously there some password hacking which is just as stereotypical as you see in Tik Tok influencers video about how stereotypical these sub-plots are. Guess in the comments if there is a gamer involved, and I’ll tell you if you’re right.
But my favorite, MY ABSOLUTE FAV is Moosa Bhai, a man watching a squid Game knockoff style Russian roulette inside the mysterious Colosseum in Istanbul. He is even richer, even more mysterious, and owns the Colosseum. Except this lair, is actually Griffith Observatory in LA that ANYONE who has been to LA, or seen La La Land will tell you. Edit mein behtareem establishing shots lagaayein hain unironically. Mike Myers makes more serious films.
At one point, when Rehan is getting the living daylights beat out of him atop a helipad, he mutters “Fuck it, maar lo.” That might be the most Saif moment in this film. A film that’s a spectacular display of how wonderfully things can go wrong despite having some of the best actors, who are able to elevate all written material. Unfortunately, like the Gol Gumbaz of the observatory, I mean “colosseum”, this film is hollow.
So on a scale of 1 to 10, Jewel Thief is… ek homage toh dena tha, toh Vijay Anand is used as a code word, for a character who didn’t need a code work. But it's cute.
